:: My Divided Soul ::

A few different things are in my mind, so I thought I’d just talk about all of them. First of all, it is going to be one busy summer. I’m headed off to California in two weeks for my internship at Intel. Big thanks to Polly for offering to share a place this summer and then finding said place. This summer is also going to include three trips to Europe to present four conference papers. Dexter and I have been very fortunate with paper acceptance this semester, with two papers we wrote together accepted, one to MPC in Estonia and one to RelMiCS in Manchester, UK. I have a second paper in RelMiCS, as well as one in MKM in Wokingham, UK (this would be the conference Terese and I had a paper in last year). I have to say that it is a great feeling going four for four on papers this semester after having some droughts in previous years.

Secondly, and completely unrelated to my summer, is the fact that I bought some new CDs yesterday. The primary of these purchases was Tool’s new one called 10,000 Days. This album wins for greatest packaging ever. First of all, the work is all done by Alex Grey, my favorite artist. All of you in New York City (Chethan, I’m looking in your direction) need to go see his Chapel of Sacred Mirrors. The artwork itself is not what separates this albums from others. No, the awesome thing is that this album artwork contains pairs of images that, when viewed with the attached stereoscopic glasses, appear 3D. Truly mind-blowing. The music itself is also growing on me very quickly.

I also picked up the latest Pearl Jam album. It has been heralded as the return of Pearl Jam to their roots, however, the album has not really struck me as that special yet. The last CD I got was Move Along by The All-American Rejects. I have been enjoying this album immensely. Shit, am I in danger of becoming emo kid? My hope is that this is not the case.

Finally, why is it that no one at Cornell or in Ithaca who wears a Penn State shirt actually went to Penn State? Whenever I see such a shirt, I like to ask its wearer if he attended the school. So far, no one I have asked actually has gone to the school. The most popular response is “no, I just like the football team.” The most legitimate response came from Meredith, who is from the central PA area and has a family member who teaches at Penn State. The amusing thing is that when I tell those with Penn State attire that I actually did go to school there, I can see that some of them suddenly feel like a fraud for wearing the shirt.

Perhaps the solution to this problem is for me to wear a Penn State shirt (I think I have one around here somewhere) and let people who went to the school come up and ask me if I went there. I can respond, “yes, I did my undergraduate work there.” Then we can reminisce about good ol’ PSU and take comfort in knowing that someone else who wears blue and white knows that Penn State is more than the football stadium.

I just got back from the best concert I’ve seen in quite some time. It was certainly the best of the six Live I’ve seen. The boys from York came to Penn State for the first time in about five years to play the Bryce Jordan Center.

Let me first explain my history with the band Live. This is a band I have seen in concert at many of the pivotal moments of the past twelve years of my life. Live was the first concert I ever saw, when I was in my first year of high school. Back then, bands could play Rec Hall and tickets were first available to people with Penn State IDs. Luckily, my mother working at Penn State allowed me to get tickets, which was a big deal to a fourteen year old kid. Ignoring my parents’ instructions, I went down to the general admission section (what we called “the pit,” back in those days) and rocked out to Live shortly after Throwing Copper came out and before it really blew up with the single “Lightning Crashes.” It was the first of many shows I would see in my life.

Live was also there when I moved to Ithaca and started grad school right before Birds of Pray came out, when the song “Heaven” was still called “Hell,” as I recall.

Live also has associations with three of the last four girls I have dated, including my first relationship to last over a year. If you are reading this, don’t worry, ladies, no single Live song was associated with more than one of you. The song “Dance With You” in particular reminds me of a moment I was caught in at that Live show in 2000.

So all of that history leads me to the show tonight. Lee and I waited patiently on the floor of the Jordan Center, set up in the much preferred side stage configuration, for Live to come out. Shows at the Jordan Center are always plagued by waiting at least half an hour between the opening act and the headliner. It was interesting to note that the crowd was diverse with regard to age. I think Live is one of those bands that will date me at some point, as they will be around for a long time and I can say I remember them back in ‘94. Some of these damn kids at the show were probably still unable to read back when Throwing Copper put Live on the music map.

The lights dimmed and some music started over the loud speakers for atmosphere. The band entered the stage and with a few clicks of Chad Gracey’s drumsticks, they blasted into “All Over You,” a song they often like to start with. At that moment, I already realized that this was going to be one spectacular show. Towards the end of the song, we all got to sing: “our love is like water, pinned down and abused for being strange…”

The band members looked really excited to be there, particularly the guitarist Chad Taylor, who, along with James Black from Finger Eleven, I find to be the coolest looking guitar player out there. “All Over You” was followed by the first Live single from Throwing Copper, “Selling the Drama,” which was the first Live song I ever heard (and fell in love with immediately). I will now, in a format championed by some friends, go over some of the show’s highlights.

• The version of “Lakini’s Juice” was just…wow. It was absolutely rockin’. I have never heard the song sound that good.
• Before the concert, I thought to myself, “what is one song I’d like to hear that I haven’t heard them play in awhile?” The song that came to mind was “Iris.” As I’m standing there at the show, I hear that distinctive guitar chord followed by the run of bass notes that leads to “I liked the way my hand looked on your head.” They played it! The song I was hoping to hear, they played. And they played it damn well.
• The songs from the new album, Songs From Black Mountain sounded like some of the best work Live has done, and that is saying a lot, as they have done some fine work. Four songs from the album made their way into the set list, including “The River,” “Mystery,” “Sophia,” and “Show.” No doubt I will be picking up the new album when it comes out on June 13.
• “The Dolphin’s Cry,” a song that has found itself with certain associations in my head was great, with the audience singing along to every word. “Heaven” was the same way, with Ed saying “I look at my daughters and I believe,” reflecting the latest addition to his family. I wonder what he would have done if his second child had been a boy….
• I turn to Lee after the first song of the encore, and said, “You know what would be cool? A song from ‘Mental Jewelry.’” Ask and ye shall receive, in the form of “Beauty of Gray.” Ed is right, we do all need some gray in our lives.
• After two songs in the encore, a chant of “Shit Towne” rose from the audience. A couple of the band members laughed and then Ed signaled for an electric guitar (this is the only song on which he plays electric these days). “This song is a request from the front row,” he says. And why shouldn’t they play it? After all, last time they were in State College, they said the song was about our town.
• Before and during the last song, “White, Discussion,” Ed led the audience through a chant of “We Are”…”PENN STATE!” He seemed truly blown away by the volume level the crowd reached, remarking, “you have to hear that from up here once in your life.” He then invited a member of the audience up on stage just to do that. Mike seemed to enjoy getting a chance to stand on stage with such greats of rock music, exchanging high fives with a few of them before walking off stage.

I came out of this show saying simply, “ummm…wow.” It ended all too quickly, but it was just the energization I needed. Live has never disappointed in the six times I’ve seen them, and I hope I get to see them six more times. I do recommend you pick up Song from Black Mountain when it comes out June 13. Until then, if you reading this own any Live, listen to one of their songs right now.

With my impending move to California for the summer, I’ve decided–wait, I haven’t yet mentioned my move to California. Granted, if you are a friend of mine actually taking the time to read this, it probably means I’ve already told you about my move. But, for the uninformed, I’ll be moving to Santa Clara, CA this summer to intern at Intel. I’ll be working in the Programming Systems Lab on the Type-Safe IA. I’m not going to bother going into the details of that. I am without a doubt looking very forward to this opportunity.

But anways, back to the main point of this entry. I’ve decided that it is my best interest to use a cellular phone as my primary means of distance voice communication. I have for a long time felt that cell phones are evil. About four years ago, before I came to Cornell, I was using a cell phone as my primary line. However, it annoyed me in several ways. Most importantly, sound quality was horrible compared to a land line. Also, I didn’t like the way I used the phone; for instance, I allowed myself to get distracted while driving and talking on the phone. When I made the move to Ithaca, I decided to have a land line at home. I kept the cell phone in the car for use in emergencies only. It has come in handy in some of those situations, I cannot deny it.

Up until this point, I have resisted keeping a cell phone with me, despite the objections of several friends. It is true, a cell phone would have made it easier to contact me. That is precisely one of the reasons I avoided using one–I like only being available by phone when I am at home. My voicemail allowed me to check messages online, so any important messages I got during the day while in the office and, in the event of something requiring my immediate attention, I could respond. With cell phone technology being adopted at a staggering rate (along with other technologies, including email and instant messaging), there is this believe that people should be available any time, all the time.

And with that belief cell phone users make themselves available all the time: on the streets, in the stores, in cars, and even in bathroom stalls. I doubt I’m saying anything new here. We’ve all heard the arguments against cell phones and how they are making people more rude. I’m still not sure if inconsiderate cell phone usage is part of the cause or the effect.

Nevertheless, I do believe that a lot of the times I have been treated rudely in the past couple of years have related to the way someone has used a cell phone. The driving incidents happen several times a week: someone driving excessively slow or not paying attention at an intersection with a phone held up to the ear. More interesting for me was an experience in Wal-Mart a few months ago. I was in line at the self-checkout behind a woman who was ringing up her items while talking on her cell phone. Once she had checked out, she just stood there continuing her conversation on the phone despite the fact that I was behind her waiting. After a minute, I said to her, “are you going to take your bags?” at which point she gets extremely angry and defensive telling me not to be rude. I do not think I was the one being rude here, however. I told her that she can’t just stand there oblivious to the world around her and to the fact that I was standing there waiting because she was on the phone. Her final response to me before taking her bags and walking away: “I think you need to go fuck yourself.”

The primary thing cell phones have had going for them is convenience. For me, that convenience has finally won out over the drawbacks. Since I will be in California for three and a half months and then (hopefully) only back in Ithaca until January, I find a cell phone is what makes the most sense for me with regard to convenience.

So with that, I upgraded my cell phone plan and got a new Motorola SLVR (hey, if I was going to give in and get a cell phone, I at least wanted to be a technology/style whore, too). The gadget lover in me does enjoy having a new toy. Nevertheless, I will do my best to remain true to my current phone habits as best I can. I never want to be that guy whose phone rings during the movie, who attempts to dial and drive, or who allows himself to get so absorbed in his phone call that he is oblivious to the world around him. So if you see me doing any of these things, please take what action you see as appropriate to prevent me from doing it again.

I’ve had what could possibly be the strangest dream I’ve ever had in my life. Someone I know, who we will call X, decided to embrace Satan. So, X went to a parking lot to write out the “Twenty commandments of the Devil” on the concrete. Apparently, there are a lot more rules to follow when one worships Lucifer. I tried to stop X during as the laws of the damned were written on the ground, but all I got was an animalistic, eyes of fire growl in disapproval. I decide it is best to let the ritual finish.

So later, X and I are sitting on a couch. I proceed to grab X and throw this person to the floor. While continuing to strangle X, I repeatedly yell, “The power of Christ compels you!”

Any thoughts on the deep symbology there?

A few days ago, Nasheet posed an interesting question: “Do people ever really change? Or is every “change” a step closer to being who you truly are to begin with?” It is a question that I have been asking myself a lot lately.

Recently, my life has undergone a number of changes. Some of them have led me to be more of the person I have wanted to be. I go to the office for eight hours a day. I go to the gym six days a week with Milind. I occasionally practice rudiments on the drums. These are things I have told myself for years that I wanted to do, because I thought they were good for me. However, up until this point, I have never been able to do them consistently.

What has me concerned a bit is wondering if I can keep it up. There often seems to be a discrepancy between the kind of person one wants to be and the kind of person one actually is. Deep inside, am I actually the person I want to be or are these changes just temporary? My hope is that they are more long term. But have I always had the energy to do these things and just never done it or is there something inherent in my personality that means I am doomed to fail at these endeavors?

In the end, we cannot escape who we are. I have seen this time and time again in other people and in myself. For instance, I find parties to be very awkward situations. I have since I first started going to them in college. For the most part, I try to avoid them or, if I do go, I don’t go for very long. I always feel out of place. At first, I believed it had to do with the fact that I did not drink alcohol while others got very drunk. However, this discrepancy no longer exists, as I do drink now and the parties I go to are not full of lunatic drunks. Yet no matter where it is or with whom I’m out, a party makes me want to curl up in a corner. (For an accurate description of I how a feel, see lyrics for “Costume for a Gutterball” by Finger Eleven.)

So I have gone three paragraphs without really answering the question at hand. I suppose for more trivial matters, it is possible to change who someone is. These are the parts of us that we might be willing and able to change for another person, like a boyfriend or girlfriend. They are parts of us that only make up the surface of who we are. These things change to suit the situation we are currently in: what time we get up, whether we put one or two spoonfuls of sugar in our coffee, etc.

However, I believe there are parts of our personalities that are always with us and changes tend to guide us towards that person. In fact, we can spend a lot of energy trying to change not to be that person, or trying to avoid that person. There can perhaps be no greater fear than knowing you are not who you want to be. Changing to try to avoid this person only gets us in trouble, as we end up back as that person again.

Whatever we change into comes from some potential within ourselves. I imagine one could relate this idea to René Descartes’ Third Meditation, “Concerning God, That He Exists” from his Mediations on First Philosophy. In the Third Meditation, Descartes argues that the fact that we can perceive ourselves as imperfect beings means we must have some notion of perfection against which to compare. However, this perfection against which we compare is not a part of us, so it must be that something with that perfection exists if we are able to perceive the difference.

Perhaps the same can be said about the person we change into. In changing into someone I am not currently, I must have some perception of the difference between that person and who I am right now. In order to perceive that difference, such a person must already exist. Therefore, changing as a person is a step closer to being someone who truly exists to begin with.

Follow me, if you will, through the mindset of a drummer deciding to buy new drum heads:

“Well, I really liked that Evans EC2 head Phil had on his drumset. It seems that I should put them on my toms.” Cost so far: $66.

“And while I’m at it, the snare batter head is getting pretty beat up. I should probably replace it, too. That Evans St Dry head looks to be exactly the kind of sound I want, especially compared to my current head.” Cost so far: $80.

“Hmmm…while I’m at it, I might as well replace the bass drum batter head. That Evans EMAD head is getting very positive reviews and drummers I like with very nice sounding bass drums use it. I should get one.” Cost so far: $117.

“Oh, I also need a patch for the bass drum head so I don’t break it.” Cost so far: $122.

“Oh, oh, the head on the bottom of my snare drum has never been replaced. That means it’s been on the drum for 10 years! I should get a new one, while I’m replacing heads.” Cost so far: $132.

“Now that I think about it, I can’t have Evans drumheads everywhere else on my drumset and have Remo heads on the bottom of the toms. I mean, isn’t the best way to ensure compatibility and good sounding drums to use the same brand on the top and bottom of the drum? I’d better get those G1 heads for the bottom of my toms.” Total cost: $175.

The Joel Baines Trio, the band Dexter and I play in, have a show Saturday night at 9pm at the Fisherman’s Pub. We’ll be playing mostly modern rock tunes for the night. We even have a special guest singer with us, Stephanie May, who will belt out some classic songs. There will be no cover for the show, so bring all of your friends and celebrate the end of Cornell classes with us!

The Fisherman’s Pub is located at 323 Taughannock Blvd. (Old Taughannock Blvd., actually) , between Castaways and Kelly’s.

So to summarize:

What: Joel Baines Trio show with Dexter and me
When: Saturday, December 3 at 9pm
Where: Fisherman’s Pub, on Old Taughannock Blvd.
Why: Rock ‘n Roll!

If you’ll be in Ithaca that weekend, hope to see you there!

Monday was my birthday. The day itself was pretty crappy. First, I woke up at 4:30am spitting, as I had a dream that I swallowed paint thinner. I was unable to get back to sleep. Later, Economics homework decided to be unpleasant. To top it all off, I found out that my car has a $500 fuel leak. This is after having gone through transmission fluid, oil, and windshield washer fluid leaks. Needless to say, it wasn’t the best birthday.

However, I had an awesome birthday celebration on Thursday with Terese, Ganesh, Milind, Eric, Gus, and Meredith. Terese and Ganesh were gracious enough to make a triple-chocolate cake, Eric brought a lovely bottle of wine, and Meredith and Gus brought a key lime pie, a candle and new playing cards. And Emma gave me a call, too!

Thanks to everyone for making it a pretty awesome night! You can see pictures of the festivities, if you’d like.

Note that the two items of the title are not related. And for that, you should be thankful. Terese and I went to New York City this past weekend. Oh, yeah. I should probably mention the fact that Terese is visiting for a month. We are having quite a lovely time.

Anyways, back to our trip. Terese has for awhile wished to see how other clothes would look on me. My “style” for the past many years has had the same recipe: one pair black casual pants; one button-down, polo, or short sleeve shirt in size medium; one pair black socks; one pair black shoes. (More recently, a pair of New Grip Wrist Supports have also becomes standard.) I have found myself very comfortable in these clothes and the consistency makes getting dressed in the morning very easy. However, I am not closed to the possibilities of trying on new clothes, especially when I get to return the favor and pick clothes for Terese.

The primary criteria Terese set forth were to try a pair of jeans and a tighter shirt. I have never owned a pair of jeans. My mother tried some on me when I was six and I cried a lot, so it was decided that they were not the kind of thing that made me particularly happy. I haven’t tried on a pair since then. That was until a week ago. The first few pairs I tried on were not very nice and I didn’t find the look particularly appealing. However, while in NYC, I managed to find a pair of jeans that did not bother me and in fact grew on me as I looked at them more. The jeans, combined with a shirt in size in XS, resulted in this:

I now own a pair of jeans and a couple tighter shirts. I’m finding the tighter shirts to be pretty appealing and I think my wardrobe is likely to diversify. I don’t imagine I will own a second pair of jeans just yet, but the ones I now own will find their way into regular rotation. I just have to figure out which part of my personality they reflect.

New York City brought some other fun things, too. We got to go see Queen + Paul Rodgers. Terese has been a big Queen fan for many years and they conveniently decided to play a show in New York while she was visiting. I’m not very familiar with Queen material, so it’s hard for me to say much about the show. I found the lighting for the show very well done. The drummer was also quite a good player, although his grip was one I have not seen before. I’m sure Terese will comment on it on her weblog at some point, but reading it may require danskkundskaber.

Another highlight was definitely getting to hang out with Chethan, who recently moved to NYC so he could pull the eyes out of rodents. I haven’t seen him since he went to LA. I think one sign of a good friendship is when you can start hanging out with a person again after having not seen him for awhile and it’s like nothing has changed. I know, I know, that is quite a cliché. But that does not make it any less true. That’s how it felt seeing Chethan again. We talked about all sorts of things just like before and his sense of humor is quite the same. I think I shall have to make an effort to go to NYC to hang out with him occasionally.

The final part of our trip was going to the Full Moon ceremony at the Chapel of Sacred Mirrors. If you are ever in New York City, I highly recommend you go to this place (Chethan, I am looking at you). It is the gallery of the artist Alex Grey, whose work I find extremely intriguing and thought provoking. I have both Theologue and InterBeing hanging in my house. The two times I have visited the place are the closest I have had to a “religious experience” I have ever had. The Chapel is a spiritual place, but not in the horrible way a church full of those blindly following an organized religion is. When I look at the paintings on the wall, when I hear the music of the live musicians playing drums, violins, gongs, and bowls, I feel something inside.

The Full Moon celebration was no exception. A large group of people of all ages, races, and backgrounds assemble on a monthly basis to do a little collective prayer and then dance, mediate, or anything-else-they-want the night away. On this night, Terese and I sat in the Chapel and took in the paintings and the surroundings as a ceremony taking place in the packed room next door was displayed on the wall. Later, we sat in between two gongs as they were played quietly and tried to focus the energy of the sound into each other. We topped the night off with dancing to the overwhelming sound of drums and hand percussion played by professionals and amateurs alike. I was tempted to join the playing myself, but decided against it this first time. The sound really does just compel one to move. Everyone from young slender African-American girls through middle-aged white men were dancing, not concerned about looking funny, not worried about what others might think.

If you sit back and think about it for too long, the whole Full Moon ceremony can seem a bit absurd, particularly if you read the description: “By joining in prayer we will create a vast field of prayer to influence our collective dream into reality.” I would agree that there are people who take the whole thing way too seriously, making it seem like a support group you’d find in Fight Club. Nevertheless, the goal of finding out more about ourselves is admirable and something it doesn’t hurt any of us to strive for. There is an unmistakable feeling of peace for me while in there. I am quite certain that any return trips to NYC will include a stop at the Chapel of Sacred Mirrors for me. And if I ever live there, I guarantee I will be a member.

So in conclusion, New York city is fun, Chethan is a cool friend, jeans no longer make me cry, and sacred mirrors make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. If you feel so inclined, check out pictures from the trip.

For awhile now, I’ve been thinking about a tattoo. Is it me or does such a thing not fit with me? I look at the middle of my right forearm and see it as a prime spot for some ink. More than that, I’ve been pondering as a tattoo the background you see on Cold’s MySpace Page.

It is the symbol for the band Cold, whose new album came out today, incidentally, and it is completely amazing. I do like Cold, it is true, but my interest in the symbol does not stem from some unhealthy obsession with said band. There is something that just draws me to the spider as a tattoo more and more. Does anyone actually think this is a remotely reasonable thing for me to do?