:: My Divided Soul ::

I have no idea where I’m going to be in two months. I might be in Boston, I might be in New York City, I might be somewhere in Pennsylvania or Virginia, I might be on the west coast. I guess that comes with the territory of being graduated. Before I left, one thing I wanted to do was visit Chethan in New York City. It’s become a bit of a habit for me to go to the city around October. My impression of NYC gets better every time I see it. Might not be a bad place to move to if I find a job there.

In an attempt to avoid the needs for cohesiveness as much as possible, I present the highlights of the trip in this convenient bulleted list:

• The Metropolitan Museum of Art: This place still humbles me every time I go there. I just can’t get over the intricate nature of the works on display there. It is a reminder of a time when there was beauty in even the simplest of items. Our society today seems to be in way to big of a hurry to worry about details of day-to-day things.
• Chapel of Sacred Mirrors: I still get chills entering that place. I’m not sure what it is about Alex Grey’s work, but it manages to touch me in a very deep and meaningful way.
• Halloween adventures: Chethan informed me that I was required to come up with a Halloween costume for a party we’d be attending. It has been at least four years since I’ve worn a Halloween costume. Nevertheless, I did my best. I took a box of Frosted Mini Wheats, spread red ink over it, and put a large hatchet through it. Yes, I was a cereal killer.
• Out late: And I mean late. I’m usually not one to stay out into the wee hours of the morning. However, how can one not do so when in New York City where, you know, things actually stay open? I got back to Chethan’s at 4am. Note that it was the end of Daylight Savings Time, so for all intents and purposes, I got back at 5am. The night was filled with some lovely Long Island iced teas, fun conversation, and memories of I-Town (that’s pointing at your eye and then putting your hands in the shape of a “T”). Most interesting occurrence of the night was the hours spent talking to a group of women who were quite attractive. Kamal meeting a woman in a bar? Now that’s just not normal! The conversation was nice until one of them told me I was “too nice of a guy who was never going to have a lasting relationship because of it.” I could say some things about that, but I think I’ll avoid it.

Overall, I’d say it was one of the best weekends I’ve had in a really long time. Chethan and Tara say I should move to NYC and I have to say the thought is crossing my mind. Feel free to look at some pictures from the weekend.

It is so nice when family and friends can get together to celebrate a happy occasion like two truly happy people getting engaged. Lots of family (including Sittee!) made it to New Jersey to share in the joy of my cousin Dalal’s engagement to Mykel. Take a look at all the festivities.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I take apologies extremely seriously, both giving them and receiving them. An apology serves many purposes. Primarily, apologizing to someone indicates that you realize something you said hurt that person and you feel you were not right to do so. Ideally, an apology expresses sincere regret for hurting someone. However, there are times an apology is merely an attempt at receiving quick forgiveness for a trespass, whether one regrets his action or not.

Just as important as the apology is the reaction to the apology. I have found that there are three kinds:

• “Don’t worry about it.” It has been my experience that “don’t worry about it” rarely means that. What it actually means is, “yes, you hurt me, but I’m not ready to forgive you for it.” You use this phrase when you feel that the other person is looking for closure on the issue, but you aren’t ready for that; the apology is not truly accepted and it is possible that the issue will come up again.
• “I accept your apology.” This is the most powerful of the three responses. These four little words are saying quite a bit. They are saying that you did in fact feel hurt by the other person and you understand that person realizes he wronged you and is genuinely sorry. It’s not saying that what the other person did was okay. It is simply saying that you are willing to forgive the person for what he did. I find that an important part of accepting a person’s apology is not bringing up the issue again later in another argument. You know what I mean: “don’t you remember the time you really hurt me when you…” If you accept another’s apology, you are acknowledging that you will not hold the person’s actions against him in the future.
• “You have no reason to apologize.” Some people make it a habit of apologizing for everything, as though they think they are in a perpetual state of hurting others. However, sometimes you simply have not felt wronged or hurt and don’t see the need for an apology.

Hopefully, you never see me react in the first way. Instead, I’ll tend to say nothing at all. I think I tend to be a pretty forgiving person, but sometimes it does take time. If I’m going to say “I accept your apology,” I have to know that I truly do. This may take two seconds, two hours, or two days. If you apologize to me, you might find me accepting your apology in a random conversation a few days later. Even right after having been hurt and apologized to, I usually know that I will inevitably accept the apology, but sometimes I have to understand fully what I’m feeling and why I felt hurt in the first place.

Another interesting aspect is the other person’s reaction to your reaction to his apology. It can give you an indication of the sincerity of the apology. If the apology is genuine, the person is not going to be offended that you don’t accept it immediately. If it is not genuine, usually the person will become very irate quickly and put some blame on you for the situation. In the latter case, the other person isn’t concerned about you feeling better; he is only concerned about feeling better himself. Feeling better requires the knowledge that you aren’t going to act angry toward him.

Anyone else given a lot of thought to apologies?