:: My Divided Soul ::

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I take apologies extremely seriously, both giving them and receiving them. An apology serves many purposes. Primarily, apologizing to someone indicates that you realize something you said hurt that person and you feel you were not right to do so. Ideally, an apology expresses sincere regret for hurting someone. However, there are times an apology is merely an attempt at receiving quick forgiveness for a trespass, whether one regrets his action or not.

Just as important as the apology is the reaction to the apology. I have found that there are three kinds:

• “Don’t worry about it.” It has been my experience that “don’t worry about it” rarely means that. What it actually means is, “yes, you hurt me, but I’m not ready to forgive you for it.” You use this phrase when you feel that the other person is looking for closure on the issue, but you aren’t ready for that; the apology is not truly accepted and it is possible that the issue will come up again.
• “I accept your apology.” This is the most powerful of the three responses. These four little words are saying quite a bit. They are saying that you did in fact feel hurt by the other person and you understand that person realizes he wronged you and is genuinely sorry. It’s not saying that what the other person did was okay. It is simply saying that you are willing to forgive the person for what he did. I find that an important part of accepting a person’s apology is not bringing up the issue again later in another argument. You know what I mean: “don’t you remember the time you really hurt me when you…” If you accept another’s apology, you are acknowledging that you will not hold the person’s actions against him in the future.
• “You have no reason to apologize.” Some people make it a habit of apologizing for everything, as though they think they are in a perpetual state of hurting others. However, sometimes you simply have not felt wronged or hurt and don’t see the need for an apology.

Hopefully, you never see me react in the first way. Instead, I’ll tend to say nothing at all. I think I tend to be a pretty forgiving person, but sometimes it does take time. If I’m going to say “I accept your apology,” I have to know that I truly do. This may take two seconds, two hours, or two days. If you apologize to me, you might find me accepting your apology in a random conversation a few days later. Even right after having been hurt and apologized to, I usually know that I will inevitably accept the apology, but sometimes I have to understand fully what I’m feeling and why I felt hurt in the first place.

Another interesting aspect is the other person’s reaction to your reaction to his apology. It can give you an indication of the sincerity of the apology. If the apology is genuine, the person is not going to be offended that you don’t accept it immediately. If it is not genuine, usually the person will become very irate quickly and put some blame on you for the situation. In the latter case, the other person isn’t concerned about you feeling better; he is only concerned about feeling better himself. Feeling better requires the knowledge that you aren’t going to act angry toward him.

Anyone else given a lot of thought to apologies?

Over the years, there have been songs that have deep associations with times in my life. They are songs that spark distinct memories from the unbelievable highs and the depressing lows. This is a list of songs I prepared a couple of years ago with some more recent additions thrown in. I also have descriptions of the moments associated with each, but I’m choosing to leave those out, as I think they are a little personal. Nevertheless, I present to you the soundtrack to my life in chronological order.

Early years

• Gary Lewis and the Playboys - This Diamond Ring
• Harry Belefonte - Scarlet Ribbons
• The Beach Boys - Kokomo
• TLC - Ain’t 2 Proud 2 Beg
• Snow - Informer & P.M. Dawn - I’d Die Without You
• Arrested Development - Tennessee
• Pearl Jam - Animal

High school

• Live - Selling the Drama
• Stabbing Westward - Don’t Believe
• Dream Theater - A Change of Seasons
• Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven
• The Cardigans - Lovefool
• Nirvana - School
• Candlebox - 10,000 Horses

College

• Finger Eleven - Costume For A Gutterball
• Eve 6 - Superhero Girl
• Marillion - Man of a Thousand Faces
• Tool - Ænema
• Emily’s Toybox - Bionic
• Fuel - Last Time
• Pearl Jam - Yellow Ledbetter
• Caroline’s Spine - Inside Your Mind
• BNG & Kamal - Covered in Lime
• Pearl Jam - Rearviewmirror
• Live - Dance with You
• SOBs - Negative Time
• Incubus - Pardon Me
• Kylie Minogue - Love At First Sight
• Matchbox Twenty - Bent
• Our Lady Peace - 4am
• Matchbox Twenty - Long Day

Graduate school

• The Nixons - Sister
• Jason Mraz - The Remedy (I Won’t Worry)
• Zephyrologie - Killing in the Name
• The Ataris - San Dimas High School Football Rules
• Axum - The Waiting
• Jennifer Lopez & Ja Rule - I’m Real
• Sponge - Live Here Without You
• Gavin DeGraw - More Than Anyone
• Sevendust - Face to Face
• Cold - Just Got Wicked
• Incubus - Leech
• 30 Seconds To Mars - Attack
• Maroon 5 - Through With You
• Holly Brook - Curious
• lostprophets - Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)

I have no been back in Ithaca for two weeks. I certainly enjoyed my time in California, but it also feels really good to be home. I’m back to my home, my car, my school, my town, and–most importantly–my drumset! Our reunion was a very happy one. I have to say that I was rusty for the first few days ago. My brain knew what to do, but my hands refused to comply. Luckily, I think I’ve worked those issues out.

Now I’m just working like crazy on my thesis with the intention of finishing in December. I try not to think about the fact that I have less time left in Ithaca than I spent in California this summer. I’m also continuing to work for Intel part time. ‘Tis nice to be doing that, as I do enjoy the project and feel it has a lot of potential.

For those interested in the visual aspects of my life, here are a couple new sets of pictures. First, we have my last weekend in California, when I went with Polly and friends to the Israni family reunion Ghirardelli Square Chocolate Festival in San Francisco. Huge thanks to Polly for being so awesome this summer! The second set comes from my return to Ithaca.

Facebook is currently offering 25 free song downloads per week from the iTunes Music Store. I’ve managed to get the last five weeks worth, including a hardy dose of rock, alternative, hip-hip, and electronica. Of course, even though I had downloaded the songs, I managed to listen to none of them. Today, I chose to remedy that problem by taking 100 of the songs with me to work on my SLVR with the goal of listening to as many of them as possible. I figured it was a good time to sample some new music. There were some good songs in the mix and some really bad ones, too.

However, one song caught me very quickly and made me realize how soon I leave Intel and California. I’ve had the opportunity to meet some really cool people this summer. No doubt that I will remember fondly many of the experiences I’ve had here: kayaking in Monterey, skydiving, movie nights…the list goes on. It is my hope that I will stay in touch with the other PSL interns I met who have helped make this summer so memorable.

With that, I send the song “Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)” by Lostprophets to my fellow PSL interns. I wish you all of the success and happiness this world has to offer. Please stay in touch!

When our time is up
When our lives are done
Will we say we’ve had our fun

Will we make a mark,
this time
Will we always say we tried

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
This is all we got now
Everybody scream your heart out

All the love I’ve met
I have no regrets
If it all ends now, I’m set

Will we make a mark,
this time
will we always say we tried

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
This is all we got now
Everybody scream your heart out

Standing on the rooftops
Wait until the bombs drop
This is all we got now
Scream until your heart stops
Never gonna regret
Watching every sunset
We’ll listen to your heartbeat
All the love that we found

Standing on the rooftops
Wait until the bombs drop
This is all we got now
Scream until your heart stops
Never gonna regret
Watching every sunset
We’ll listen to your heartbeat
All the love that we found

Scream your heart out
Scream your heart out
Scream your heart out
Scream your..

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
This is all we got now
Everybody scream your…

I have posted pictures from my final conference for the summer. I have to say I’m glad to be done traveling to Europe for awhile. I enjoyed the trips and feel very fortunate to have been able to go on them, but flying to and from Europe (approx. 10,000 miles round trip) three times in less than two months is a bit much.

Random occurrences were plenty on this trip. First, I met Stephanie from Switzerland, who works with Florian, a fellow Intel intern. The second random occurrence was in the Philadelphia Airport on my way back. As I’m walking to the gate, I hear “Kamal!” When I turn, I see Greg, who just finished his Ph.D. in computer science at Cornell! I didn’t get to go to his graduation party because I was in California at the time. Nevertheless, we got to hang out on the flight to San Francisco, as Greg was on his way out to start a job. Talk about coincidences.

I am currently in Manchester, UK to present my final two conference papers. My sleeping schedule is very messed up, as I am wide awake at 12:44 in the morning, probably at least in part to having slept 5:30-10 this evening. Of course, sleeping at that time is kind of strange, as it is the middle of the day both here and in California. I’m not sure what time zone my mind is on at all. Here is a list of some random thoughts, including some things I’ve meant to post for awhile. All of this will be short and some of it may make little sense.

• Skydiving is awesome. I have the pictures and a video to prove it. If you ever get the chance to go, I highly recommend it.
• I’d rather have my laptop and camera with me on a plane and run the risk of it being blown up than have to worry about putting these things in my suitcase. Two weeks ago, I flew into London two hours after they arrested all of those people on suspicion of plotting to blow up some transatlantic flights. As a result, I was allowed only a plastic bag with my wallet, ticket, and passport for the return trip. That means I checked $7000 in equipment into my suitcase. Luckily, everything made it back in working condition, but I was not amused in having to expose it to baggage handlers and the elements of the cargo hold. Personally, I think such overreaction just allows the terrorists to succeed in their ultimate goals: instilling fear resulting in the loss of freedom.
• When there is nothing to take pictures of, at least there are flowers. My flight to London was so I could attend another conference. There wasn’t much to do in Wokingham and not much to photograph, but I did what I could.
• I’ve learned to sleep on airplanes. I couldn’t do it for the longest time, but now having been to Europe and back several times, I think I’m getting the hang of it.
• The summer is almost over. This is both really good and really bad. I’ve enjoyed my time in California, but it has felt like a temporary life. I’m eager to get back to my house and my drumset in Ithaca. It will be my last semester there and I’m not sure what life will bring my direction afterwards. I’d like to think everything will be fine, though.
• I cannot escape who I am and I’m destined to put myself in the same situations over and over.
• United is now my airline of choice. I have flown out of SFO using them three times now and each time it has gone smoothly and the people have been extremely friendly and good at what they do. The same cannot be said for US Air, my former airline of choice. I flew them for this trip to Manchester and they have been rude to me from start to finish. Also, whenever I call to ask questions, they never understand what I’m asking and they can’t answer well.
• My laptop is on its last leg. The hard drive makes funny noises at me now and again and slows down to a crawl. Once Merom-based Macbook Pros come out, I’m ordering one.
• It rains in other parts of the world. Having been in the bay area, where it has rained all of once since I’ve been there, I am spoiled with regard to weather. I didn’t bother to check the weather in Manchester, which was a mistake. It’s not very warm and it’s rained everyday. I probably should have brought a jacket, umbrella, or long-sleeve shirt.
• A 21-year-old boy who goes to school in smalltown, PA brings dynamite on a plane and it is obviously not terrorism, but a t-shirt in Arabic sparks concern. Maybe this is why last time I flew into SFO, I was asked the following questions: “Where is your family from?” “What is your father’s name?” “Have you ever been to Syria or Iran?” “Are you Muslim?”
• I’m looking forward to using a pirate voice during part of my conference presentation tomorrow.

There have been some recent additions to the photo gallery. First, there are pictures from San Francisco. Angelina, Trek, Florian, Monica, and I took Saturday to go to San Fran. We saw the Golden Gate Bridge, we saw a man dressed as a chicken in a garden, and we took on Lombard Street.

Secondly, there are pictures from a trip to kayak in Moneterey. Angelina, Nan, Monica, Nathan and I went down to Carmel By The Sea for some beach time and to Monterey for some Kayaking. ‘Twas really a beautiful day. For any of your planning to kayak barefoot, make sure you put sunscreen on the top of your feet…

Enjoy!

I finally had the chance to visit Matt, who is going to UC Santa Cruz. I’ve been wanting to visit him for years and the perfect opportunity finally presented itself, as I am out here in Cali for the summer. You can see all of the action in my pictures of the trip, including some great beach shots and the one, the only, Eddie Money. I should also mention that an RSS feed from my photo gallery is now available, so you kids who keep up with postings to the world of the internet that way can know what is posted before I even do.

I spent last week in Estonia presenting the paper Dexter and I wrote, Relational Semantics for Higher-Order Programs, at Mathematics of Program Construction (MPC) 2006. I had a really good time and regret the fact that I could only spend a few days there. The country is probably one of the nicest places I have ever visited; the area is beautiful and the people are friendly. If you are planning a European vacation, I recommend you spend a few days in Estonia. Take a look at my photos from the trip.

One of the disadvantages of living on the west coast for the summer is that travel time to Europe has increased by about six hours. Luckily, the flights all went smoothly. The two times I have now flown out of SFO have been quick and stress-free. After the three flights to get to Estonia, I had to take a four-hour bus trip from Tallinn, the capital, to the town of Kuressaare on the largest island of Estonia. As with all my international travel, I end up playing the stupid American. In this case, the stupid American tried to use the public restroom at the bus station without paying for it. I don’t think I’m going to bother expensing the $0.40 I had to spend to use it.

The bus ride was nice and included a ferry ride to the island of Saaremaa. I was surprised to discover that the ferry trip was around the time of sunset: 10:00 in the evening. Unfortunately, the sun didn’t set until after we had gotten off the ferry and back into the bus. Judging by the view from the bus, it would have been quite breathtaking to have seen the sunset on the ship. Nevertheless, I got some good pictures on the ferry.

Having my new DSLR camera has some interesting side effects. I had a number of people during the trip ask me if I was a professional photographer. I truthfully told them that I am not, but have always wanted a nice camera. Nevertheless, I realized that with a camera like this, I can blatantly take pictures of people I don’t even know; they don’t seem to mind at all. I certainly didn’t mind, either, as there are some very nice looking people in Estonia.

Anyway, back on the bus in a “do it before I lose my nerve” moment, I had a chat with the lovely Mailis, who walked me to my hotel. Hopefully, it won’t be the last time I get to talk to or see her.

The conference itself was pretty straightforward. There were a number of interesting papers. Highlights included Clare Martin and Sharon Curtis’ Nondeterministic Folds and William L. Harrison’s The Essence of Multitasking. I have to admit that some of the work presented went right over my head. My knowledge of category theory is a bit weak, which is a distinct disadvantage at such a conference. My presentation went well enough. I’m hoping it leads to some collaborations with a couple people who expressed interest in the work.

After presentations on Monday, we went to the Kuressaare Episcopal Castle for a tour and reception. It is one beautiful building of which to take pictures, inside and out. The mayor of Kuressaare came to welcome our group to the town and say a few words about the significance of a technological conference being held there. I get the impression the town and country as a whole are devoted to bringing tourists and conferences. I can’t say I’d object to another conference there.

After the reception, Dexter and I took a walk down the main street of Kuressaare and relaxed outside a bar. Shortly after we sat down, a slightly tipsy gentleman sits down at our table and says, “I have a question for you: where are you from?” We proceed to have a rather long conversation with Vootele and his friend, both Estonian natives. Vootele gave me his email address and I fully intend to contact him soon. He has expressed an interest in visiting America, so I’ll have to tell him all there is to see.

On Tuesday night, we had a barbecue in Tehumardi. The weather was perfect for some outdoor grilling (actually, the weather was perfect for the entire conference). Of course, we had to watch the time as many wanted to return to the hotel to make sure they caught the Germany/Italy World Cup Soccer match. Dexter and I also went back and watched the match. I have to say it was a little boring, minus the last few minutes.

After the last day of the conference, Dexter and I took the bus back to Tallinn. We spent the evening in the old town, which was just phenomenal. The old town has a very European flair to it. We went to dinner and then watched–you guessed it: World Cup Soccer. The crowd was definitely into it, although I imagine there were just as many tourists as natives.

After only two hours of sleep, I got up to return to California. The two hours was actually planned so that I could adjust to the return to Pacific Daylight Time, a difference of 10 hours and 15 hours of travel. The readjustment went pretty well, although I am glad I returned on a Thursday and only had to go to work for one day before the weekend. I might have to plan another trip to Estonia when I can and see all I missed.

I have posted pictures from my trip to Hershey, PA. I ran the 25th annual Aboul-Hosn family reunion this year. The best part was getting to spend time with my parents and sister. I didn’t post pictures from the reunion itself here, as those will be on the Aboul-Hosn family web site.